An Agoraphobic’s Guide to Going to a Party

EDIT - I have tried to edit this so that the links do not appear all wonky and half-baked but apparently, PNN is on the rag today so just deal, people, k?

So, you haven’t been to a party in quite awhile.  You don’t work or socialize outside of your home computer.  You don’t even want to take a brisk walk in the freezing cold, so your basic physical activity is limited to running upstairs to retrieve dirty laundry and downstairs to the basement to wash, dry and fold.  But then one of your husband’s friends is having their annual winter party and it’s coming up soon.  What’s that you say?  You actually want to go this year?  Well, um, yeah I want to go this year.  I wanted to go last year and the year before but the guy always schedules these things around a certain annual motorcycle show at the Javits Center that my husband always wants to attend.  

Ah, but this year will be different.  The husband is off from work the day before the party and is willing to go to the show alone – or with you, if you can stand it.   There will be people, after all.  Suit yourself; you will  attend the party anyway.  But what will I say to people?  I haven’t even worked since March! 

Not to worry.  Here are a few things I’ve come up with - some tips, if you will, that can be used not just by agoraphobics who are out of social practice, aside from the occasional home visitor, but by anyone who grapples with social anxiety or is just plain shy or embarrassed to say they’ve been out of work for a while but doesn’t want to bring the house down sobbing into their beer with their tale of woe.

Personally, I hate it when people ask, “So what do you do?” I have always hated this question because I’ve never been all that interested in what I’ve done for a living – even when I owned a toy store.  I felt like, “Hey!  I just worked 75 hours at that place and the last thing I want to do is TALK about it!”  I’m even less interested in what other people do for a living unless they’re truly passionate about what they do.  I don’t know too many people who are and that’s just sad.  Fact is, it’s just what people ask of those they are meeting for the first time, an icebreaker.  What’s wrong with a little frost?  Why can’t we just have a conversation based on the circumstance that brought us, complete strangers, together at this place in time?  I would love to tell people I’m a writer but I hesitate because (a) I have not received any monetary compensation for anything I’ve ever written and have never been published anywhere; (b) I really don’t like talking about my works in progress – it makes them seem so trite (at least to me); and (c) I find that I have a natural born (or maybe learned) tendency to talk about myself in diminutive terms, almost apologetic about taking up breathing space on this planet that would be better reserved for someone who actually contributes actively to society.  I know, writers do contribute to society, as do all artists.  And their work is important for reasons too numerous to go into here without veering this post into a totally different direction.  Since I haven’t published, I can’t see how I fit in there.

I digress…

Here are some alternative answers to the question when posed to you at a time in your life when you just don’t want to tell people that you stay home all day:

 “I’m convalescing.” - It’s fun to see how people react to this one – if they have no sense of sarcasm (that is a sense, right) they will most likely ask if you’ve been ill.  Where you want to take that question depends on how bored or cheeky you’re feeling.  I’ll leave that up to you. I might opt for “yes, mentally ill, though I do feel much better these days, thanks.”…but that scares people.

“I’m a domestic engineer.” - Thank you, Rosanne Barr, for giving us this great euphemism for “housewife”.  Of course, if you actually are a housewife, you could just say that but this is way more fun.  And besides, does anyone even know a housewife anymore – I mean a wife who does not work but does not have babies at home to care for?  Yeah, me neither. Well, not besides myself, anyway.  Do dogs count?  I’m home schooling mine.

“I’m taking a break from the world; I’ve been working practically non-stop since the age of fourteen and, quite frankly, I need a break.  And you?” - This one is at least partially true.  I once added up the number of jobs I’ve had since the age of needing to show working papers to be hired legally.  It came to twenty-two.  I’m thirty-eight now and I am pretty well tired of working for a living.

“I don’t want to work; I want to bang on the drum all day…” - Yes, this is a direct reference to the Todd Rundgren song.  You could just start singing it whenever anyone asks you what you do all day when you’re not busy slaving away at some soul-sucking underpaying job like they are.  Yes, they will be mega-jealous and will probably hate you.  You’ve been warned.

“Oh shit!  Did you see that?  I better go help!”  -  This old stand-by is a great way to avoid answering a question, to change the subject or to abruptly end a conversation with someone who no longer captivates you or who is drooling on you.  It’s my personal fave.

Conversation Starters

I invariably will wind up standing next to a person who refuses to start a conversation, putting all the pressure on me to end the deafening silence.  The question I anticipate asking anyone I happen to be standing silently next to is, “So, what kind of bike do you ride?” Since I will be surrounded by people who congregate around their mutual love of motorcycle riding, this could possibly bore the stuffing out of me.  I must start practicing the art of not letting my eyes so obviously glaze over at the verbose answers I expect to receive.  I must be “present” with the person who is taking their time to tell me about something they truly enjoy…especially since I asked, didn’t I?  I must listen attentively, though it will surely try my patience and my gnat-sized attention span.  It’ll be okay; I will remind myself it is not root canal.

“Where do you live?” is always a good one.  I’m always interested in where and how people live and whether or not they like it.  It’s all part of my own quest to find my most perfect spot on the planet.   I’m particularly interested to know where people come from.  I might even ask that question first.  This party may find me in the company of people who are just passing through New York City on a long road trip.  These Adventure Riders do that.  They take cross-country trips; they take trips around the world.  Some do it all on roads when possible, while some have their bikes shipped abroad and meet up with them there.  Some ride through dangerous territory and barely survive, like http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2002/04/02/48hours/main505187.shtml">this guy, who goes by the moniker of Striking Viking.  He’s also well-known on the ADV boards (more about that in a sec). Some live on their motorcycles and have no permanent address.  Can you imagine that?  I want to but I can’t.  I’m too much of a homebody to consider a life that includes a home that can be rolled up and tucked onto the back of a motorcycle.  That’s just not how I roll.  But I do so enjoy the stories I hear from people who do and that, my friends, is what I’ll be focusing on while handily defeating my social anxiety at every turn.

A Note about Adventure Riders

This is my husband’s version of PNN.  http://www.advrider.com/forums/showthread.php?t=538972">ADV Rider is an online community of guys and gals who love their motorcycles.  These are not the bikers you’ve seen in movies, or even gathering in http://www.sturgis.com/">Sturgis.  They are an awesome community of folks, almost as awesome as PNN in their call of duty when one of their members is in need.  When one member had his bike stolen, someone had a loaner at his house the very next day. When my husband happened to mention in passing that we were doing all the work on our house ourselves because we didn’t have money to hire contractors, one of the members posted a public call to action on the boards.  We had about twenty guys show up early on a Saturday morning to help us take up smelly old carpeting and refinish our hardwood floors.  One guy even brought breakfast for everyone, while another picked up pizza for everyone before I could even get all the heads counted to place an order.  So you see, I will be in excellent company at this party – not PNN-excellent – but very similar in sentiment.  The one thing that is quite different about ADV is how their website is segmented by region.  So, all my dude’s buddies are local – something I so wish PNN was.  How awesome to be able to meet up with my PNN sisters any old time….hey, I can dream, right?